(My 5 year-old floating in the bathtub)
"Look Mommy, if I was a submarine, guys could look out my penis like a periscope!"
Conversation with the family dog:
"Alwight, you kin come in da bafwum, but NO wickin ma butt when i'm peein, ya got it?! You juss sit der an watch."
Dan: Dude, why when I turn my toast upside down, the cream cheese doesn't fall off?
Seth: Because the force of the stickiness is greater than the force of gravity upon it. Now if that was jelly it would be heavier.
Dan: So basically, what you're saying is, Daddy is made of jelly?
-Hey, ya got blood on yur fingernail, man.
-Yeah, das fwom my nose.
-Dude, how many times have I told you to only pick the ones that are easy to pick?
-Man, I slept like a bear in hibernation.
-Well I swept wike a hurrwicane!
-I guess that's good?
-Yeah, good for me.. bad for da sheets!
-You gonna eat that toast?
-No, you wanna piece?
-Yeah, but give me the part without your saliva. I don't wanna taste your DNA.
Dan walks into the bathroom, where mommy's in the tub, my wet hair wound in a bun atop my head..
- Mommy, why you got dat cinmen woll on you head?
- It's not a cinnamon roll, honey.
- Oh pleez don't tell me iss a pile of poo.
- No sweetie, it's my hair.
- Weally? Fank God. Dat was awkwud on so many levels.
Conversation with my cajun nephew, Carter, age 3:
- I heard you got yourself a girlfriend?
- Yep, Emily Boudreaux! We goin out on a date afta Crissmas.
- Oh yeah? How old is she?
- She's 3, juss like me.
- So where you takin her?
- Well, i axed her to da chinese boofay, but she say no, so imma take her to da burgah king.
- Oh, and who's gonna drive y'all?
- Uh.. Imma put her in my carseat and imma drive us.
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