A Quick Note

Life is great.. the kids are great.. all is well and what isn't is par for the course. Seth is apparently repeating his terrible twos, trying the boundaries at every turn, sassing anyone who attempts to assert authority over him, just to make sure he's not too big for a spanking. I assure you, he is not! Dan is cutting his molars, but otherwise doing great. He started feeding himself with a spoon and fork this week. He has also graduated out of his crib and into the trundle bed beside Seth's. I know it seems a little early, but it has greatly helped his nighttime routine, since I can now lay beside him until he drifts off.

I just have to add a plug for a book I just read. I don't read books, mind you. I sat down to flip through this one I had bought as a gift and was riveted. After a few hours I realized I had read the entire thing and, what's more, I will never be the same after reading it. It is called Embraced By The Light. If you haven't read it.. go get a copy at your local library and do so. Seriously, this thing should be required reading for being human. One warning: do not read before bed.. it has an energizing effect, at least it did for me. I'll have to write more later . . . duty calls.

Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.. Watch you smile while you are sleeping.. While you're far away and dreaming... I could stay lost in this moment forever.. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.. I don't wanna miss one smile.. I don't wanna miss one kiss.. I just wanna hold you close, feel your heart so close to mine.. And stay here in this moment for all the rest of time. I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I'd miss you, babe. And I don't wanna miss a thing."

-- Aerosmith, circa 1998

Just about anyone who has talked to me in the past week knows that my 15-month-old son is going through a severe attachment phase.. that is to say he has a complete meltdown if he is not physically attached to his Momma. I confess, I've done my share of complaining about it. The daytime hours are tolerable-- granted I could get more done if I could velcro the child to my back--but its those late evening hours just before bedtime that would try the patience of Job... when I want to just put him in his crib, put on some headphones and never look back.

Tonight was no exception. I rocked, I sang, I even used the shirt off of my back as a pillowcase so he could smell me near him... anything to escape! There was so much to be done, and I was already so tired. Finally, he fell asleep. As I stood there hunched over the crib with my hand still on his back, not daring to move, I looked at his sleeping body, as if for the first time. I saw the golden ringlets in his hair, the way his pouty mouth hung open, drooling on the pillow, even his chubby little feet, showing a faint gray on the bottoms from a floor that needs mopping. I probably spent the next ten minutes that way, just soaking it in. Maybe the Holy Spirit moved in my heart, maybe I just woke up and saw what was right there in front of me, but suddenly all I could think of was how precious these moments are. Tears of gratitude mixed with remorse welled up in my eyes, and I knew without a doubt that no matter how long I had to stand there, I was exactly where I needed to be.

Sure my back is sore, sure I'm way behind on my to-do list, but you know what? Chances are this is the last time a one-year-old flaxen-haired cherub of a boy will grace this home. And very likely its the last time he will ever be this attached to me. These are the moments I will treasure for the rest of my life. I don't wanna miss a thing.


"Behold, children of a gift from the Lord."

This week in our world..

Seth has two new words.. Spikin' and Turbo. These will be used at every possible opportunity. They apparently mean awesome and extremely, respectively. A few minutes ago I caught him washing his hands with five pumps of soap (we have a one pump rule). When I chastized him, his response was, "But Mom, I was TURBO dirty!"

Saturday we attended the local Fall Festival. If you haven't gotten photos yet, you will soon. There Seth met a girl who used to be in his class at school, but has since had dramatic health problems and become confined to a wheel chair, where she is tube fed and unable to speak. When Seth spoke to her, she became visibly very excited to see him. Meeting her has apparently had a profound impact on Seth and remains in the back of his thoughts at all times. He often asks me if I think God will heal her and what he can do to help her. I assured him that nothing is impossible with God and told him that the best thing he can do is to pray for her and her family. Her name is Piper by the way.

Sunday morning, I was scheduled to work in the infants room at our church during worship hour. We were 15 minutes late arriving and I first had to drop off the boys in their classrooms. Daniel showed his usual display of heart-wrenching separation anxiety, then it was upstairs to Seth's class, where we waited in line for our turn to check in. While we waited, Seth worried out loud about his friend Piper's lips, and how chapped and cracked they were. When we finally reached the front of the line, he looked up at me asked, "Mom, do you think we could pray her right now?" So there we knelt, in the middle of Tiny Town, to pray for Piper. Nothing else was more important in that moment. I have no doubt that Christ lives in that little boy's heart.

Daniel's favorite word lately is "Uh-oh!" Needless to say, he makes a lot of uh-ohs around our house. He and Seth are taking an interest in the same TV shows, which is convenient.. usually those with music. Dan loves nothing more than to shake his little rump to a good beat. Seth loves the Saturday morning show on DayStar called GodRocks. It has taught him some powerful scripture through rock music, and he performs them any chance he gets. If you haven't already, be sure to check out "Seth Jammin" on YouTube.

Daniel started swimming lessons this week. Lets just say it was less than smooth sailing. If we don't have a better time next week, we'll put the whole thing off for a few months, till this stranger anxiety phase passes.

The Latest from the Merry Go Round

So much for weekly updates, huh? Guess we'll have to settle for semi-monthly. So much is happening so fast, I forget half of it before I have a chance to write it down. I know I'm going to miss telling all of you about some of the really good stuff here, but until the Danimal can be trusted in the study, we're going to be limited to my memory at the rare times when I can sneak in here alone!

So here's what I can remember from the past few weeks.. Seth is in piano lessons and really loving it. He recently became very distressed however and announced that he does not have a "middle finger." His must be missing, he cried, since he's sure there are only four, two on the left and two on the right, with nothing growing in the middle! I assured him his fingers were fine, explained that the thumb was counted as a finger in piano, and resolved to call his third digit "tall man" from now on. At this, he quickly retorted: "Well if Mr. Thumb is going to be a finger now, I guess we'd better start calling him Shortman!"

Seth is enjoying 4 yr old pre-K and becoming quite the ladies man. One little girl in particular has caught his attention, and he has apparently asked her to marry him when they "get big." To his delight, she said "yes." Just for the record, her name is Natalie. I had explained to him one night, after watching Aladdin, that God knows the name of the girl he will marry someday and even though we don't know her name, we can still pray for her. That night after our prayers were said, he whispered to me, "Mom, when I grow up, if I get married to Natalie from school, I'm going to kiss her sideways all the time."

Daniel is recovering from a stomach virus and making up for lost time on all fronts. He has acquired a knack for opening containers with his teeth, and goes after anything that will either redocorate a room in our house or fill his bottomless tummy. This week's top contenders have been face powder (my bedroom is now Transluscent Ivory.. turns out its not so translucent afterall); pancake mix, Quaker oats, and today's special, guzzling Aunt Jemima right from the bottle! Yes, I do feed him, I promise. His other recent passions are screaming/squealing at the top of his lungs when life doesn't go his way, saying a very redneck "Hi" (more like Haaa) to everyone who looks his way, and spinning around in circles laughing and shouting "Dizzy! Dizzy!"

That's all for now, folks... check back soon.

New Leaf Day One!

Okay, I'm going to make a long overdue effort to keep this blog up as it was intended, to chronicle the milestones of my boys and my journey through motherhood. It may not be fancy or eloquent, but I'm going to at least start posting what the boys are saying/doing once a week.

Seth: Got in trouble at school yesterday for choking a little girl who tried to play with his new friend. When I questioned him about whether he had seen anything like that on television, his response was "Yes, maam it was on a movie. It's called My First Movie All About Choking, starring me, Seth Johnston choking a girl at school." (Sometimes I really don't know what to do with this boy.) Later that day: "Mommy, you're the best mom I ever had." Tonight: :"Mommy, earlier when you told me there were no coaches for that train on Amazon dot com, I think you lied to me. I think we both lied to eachother today and we should just ask for forgiveness and start over."

Daniel: Pulling every book off the shelves and turning the pages.. emptying the contents of every unlocked cabinet.. playing in the toilet any chance he gets. Said "Dadda bye-bye" after Don left tonight, as if to say "Daddy left." Says "High five, down low!" Loves his stuffed bunny Thumper, and calls him "Gump-Gump." Favorite food by far is grapes. Holds his hand up and attempts to shout "Yay God" after the blessing, although its more like "Hey Gah!" Gives lots of hugs and kisses. Will pretend to offer a hug when he actually just wants you to pick him up so he can climb what you're sitting on. Climbs everything and attempts to jump off. Has NO fear.

The Latest on the Boys

I don't think two brothers could possibly be more different than my boys. I guess that's the beauty of motherhood, watching these tiny babies grow into individuals. So much is happening so fast, I thought it was time to record a little of it before time slips away from me, as it seems to be doing a lot of lately.

First, Master Seth. Sensitive, cautious, loving, imaginative beyond belief, a thinker, a comedian, a musician, a preacher and an encourager--these are just a few of the words that come to mind. He is my sweetheart.

Superman pajamas and cowboy hats are things of the past. Seth's new favorite clothing item is a red pirate do-rag, courtesy of a Pirates of the Caribbean/Happy Meal toy. He plays T-ball twice a week, where he is a pretty good hitter and runner, once he gets past all the "yucky" mud, and does some of his best daydreaming in the outfield. He towers over the rest of his team, but I think this is a fact of life he is adjusting to, as am I.

His latest obsessions include (1) knock-knock jokes and riddles, (2) David and Goliath, (3) spontaneous chatting with God,(not a bad habit) (4) historical disasters (Chicago Fire, Hindenberg, Titanic, etc.-- don't ask, he read it in a book--see number 5), (5) anything Daddy is interested in, (6) Thomas the Tank Engine and all things relating to trains, (7) spaceships, monstertrucks, racecars, anything with a motor basically, and (8) movies about all of the above, provided they are not "too scary." He doesn't talk about the planets as much lately as he used to, relating everyone to a particular planet, but still eats and sleeps "to grow up to be a man so I can be an astronaut." At one time, every ink pen, pencil or crayon in our house was a rocket. The same objects are now swords or lightsabres, depending on his persona at the moment, be it Peter Pan or Darth Vader.

Today Seth noticed "whiskers" on his legs and got so excited, asking if he was growing up to be a man like Daddy. This is by far his biggest ambition, as it should be. His imaginary friends are plentiful. Besides his trains, Seth frequently converses with his hands, Manny and Moses, who talk back to him in their distinct voices. At the moment, they are telling eachother knock-knock jokes in the living room. Of course, when Seth is wearing superhero pajamas, the hands become Supermanny and "Super She-woman." I have no idea where that one came from.

And then there's the singing. No description of Seth would be complete without impromptu creative songwriting. He seems to get great joy out of changing the lyrics to a familiar song to fit with one of his favorite themes. "Let me take you on a space cruise" is one example that comes to mind. Of course he's content to sing the original versions too, and his song library is huge. He seems to have picked up my love for the Swing era, early Elvis, movietunes and silly American folk songs. Sometimes he sings while playing his drums, keyboard or harmonica, but most often he can be found "driving" a vehicle of some sort across the floor or table while belting an appropriate song.

Yesterday I overheard the following while Seth was washing his hands in the bathroom: "God, its me, Seth. Thanks for making me strong and brave so I ran fast at my t-ball game today. It was a great game, but it was really kinda muddy. Well, you were there. You were with David when he fighted Goliath. I know you are with me always. You shape me with your righteous right hand... Well, I just wanted to say thanks!"

Can you say proud Mama?

I recently visited Seth's preschool classroom, where he introduced me to his classmates as "My sweet garden princess, but you can call her mommy." He is my "garden prince" and we "waltz" together whenever the mood strikes him, usually in our pajamas. It seems every time I put on a nightgown I magically transform into Cinderella Mommy, the sweet garden princess. I could go on, but there's your snapshot. Did I mention how much I love that boy?

Now for Danielbug. My angel. My "lagniappe." I didn't expect to be lucky enough to have two children, so he is my sweet surprise from God, the little exclamation point in my life. Daniel is now 8 months old. He is fearless, tough, busy, curious, independent, destructive, happy, cuddly at times, always adventurous, and always HUNGRY. Daniel will eat absolutely anything he can get his hands on. In recent weeks, Daniel has eaten three "spiders" off of a spider plant, part of a softdrink 12-pak carton, half a shopping list, countless other scraps of paper pulled from Seth's drawings, part of a cardboard picture frame backing, and about one quarter of a box of raisins--not the raisins, the BOX.

Daniel has an odd knack for causing things to "explode" without warning. He can turn a new pack of club crackers into a cloud of debris in five seconds or less. He can burst a sealed ziplock bag even quicker, as I learned at Wal-mart recently when he produced a shower of coupons and preceded to try to eat the bag they had been in.

The Danimal, as I affectionately call him, spoke his first two-word phrase today, and not surprisingly it was "Tot-dat" (stop that). I had to laugh as he parrotted me, happily shouting his new phrase over and over while he banged away on my computer keyboard!

Daniel is crawling well now, but prefers to "walk" in his walker. We have all learned to wear protective shoes when Daniel is around, or have our bare feet mercilessly run over. Daniel absolutely adores his older brother, and the feeling is mutual. If he loses sight of Seth, he will crawl to the edge of the living room carpet, or walk to the edge of the tile and shout for him, "Teh-Teh!" Daniel will not crawl on ceramic tile. This surface is apparently strictly for walking on, or banging on with Seth's drumsticks, another favorite activity. He will also walk to our bedroom door when Don is asleep and call out "Da-Da!" He definitely loves his DaDa, and DaDa is crazy about him too.

I have to add that Daniel is now the proud owner of two budding teeth, which we are all feeling the pain of. He had just begun to sleep through the night when the teething began, but I can't complain. This too shall pass. He is my little angel, even at 3 a.m.

Empty Pages

Stillbirth has a way of staying with you forever. Even when you're certain you've cried every tear there was, even when you're "over it" for good and you feel like it can't possibly reach you anymore, it can. I remember thinking all those years ago that the hardest part of stillbirth was the surviving--the living afterward. Its not something you should survive, I said to myself. The cruelty of it is that you do. And life goes on. New babies come and you think of her less and less with each passing year. And then one day, you spot a dusty book on the top shelf, pull it down, and find the pain is still there, right where you left it. Mother's Memories For My Daughter, the book says. Inside the front cover is a letter, written in your own handwriting on loose leaf paper. July 4, 1999. "To my child==Today I found out I'm carrying you!" And the innocent excitement breaks your heart. You flip through the first pages of the book, where you'd carefully written your life story for her and diagrammed her family tree, and on to the part where her story was to be written. "The day of your birth, first smile, first steps, first words, favorite lullibies, songs you liked to sing..." And you can't stand it any longer. "Things we enjoyed doing together" is too much. So you hurl the awful thing into the trash and fall to your knees. And you pray the only words that come to mind. Lord, please don't leave my baby girl with empty pages. She deserves so much more. Please fill them for her, Jesus. Better yet, tell her we'll fill them together when I get there. Tell her Mommy misses her and we're going to make lots of memories together soon, more than we ever could have here. All the books in the world can't hold the fun we'll have together. But Lord, for tonight, please just hold her, give her my love, and sing her a lullaby for me. Hold my aching heart in your hands too, and bridge the gap between us as only you can. Whisper to me your comfort, and tell me this story won't end with empty pages.

Grace

This poem, written several years ago as a sort of personal testimony, has now become almost an anthem for my everyday walk. Its on my poetry website, but bears repeating here. Coming through recent storms and looking back, I realize I could write the same thing today.


I did it “my way”--You loved me anyway.
I took Your blessings for granted--You blessed me more.
I turned my back on You—You showed Your face to me.
I took the credit--I took the reins,
And loving Father that You are,
You let me have them.
Until at last, broken and lost
I wandered home to your waiting arms,
Home to the joythat was there for me all along.
The joy of surrender,
Accepting through grace
What I couldn’t earn.
The joy of imagining
How deep Your love must be.
How infinitely larger than all my fears.
The joy of getting to know
Day by day
The tender hand that holds my own
And my every tomorrow
in Its merciful grasp.
Praise You for loving me
For all Your mysterious ways
For weaving togetherMy moments,
Even my failures,with unseen thread
Into something You can use
For making something beautiful of my life.

Storms

Sometimes it's still raining after "amen." Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to praise God in the midst of the storm, before you've seen any answers. I've been through some rough storms lately and found this song to be particularly meaningful. The image of God holding every tear I've cried in the palm of his hand is so comforting. I wish I could say I always praised Him and never despaired, but of course that's not the case. Nevertheless, this is a beautiful expression of how we should face the storms in our lives.

Praise You in This Storm, by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls I barely hear You
whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You
whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away (Chorus)

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.

I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.